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  • Writer's pictureLisa Jones

Is my partner having an affair?

If you suspect your partner may be having an affair, ask yourself what makes you think that?

Intuition is a strong force and we are wise to trust it. But often we don’t. We talk ourselves out of the gut feeling we have when we don’t want it to be the truth.

To try and find out what’s caused you to be suspicious, as yourself these questions:

  • Has your partner changed their appearance lately? Are they wearing different clothes, have they lost weight, or changed their hair?

  • Do you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner?

  • Has your partner’s attitude changed?

  • Do you feel your partner is being secretive or evasive?

  • Is your partner spending more time away from home or in your company?

  • Is your partner difficult to get in touch with or they delay in getting back to you?

  • Is your sex life different from usual?

  • Does your partner talk about a particular person more often?

You may answer no to all these questions, but you still feel something is wrong. The best way to deal with this feeling is by being straightforward. Tell your partner how you are feeling. Gauge their response and see how your instinct reacts. At this point your gut is the most useful tool to help you, so if you still feel something is off, tell them. Try and use statements beginning with “I…”, for example:

  • I don’t feel as close to you as I normally do and its worrying me

  • I want to do more things together, so I can feel close to you again

  • I worry when you don’t get back to me when I call you

Don’t accuse your partner of having an affair even if that’s what you are suspecting. They will become defensive and things will become more confusing emotionally. Stay with how you fell and just communicate that to them. There may be ways you can reconnect and talking about it is the best way.

However, if you answer yes to some of the questions above, you may want to find more evidence before you confront your partner. Its helpful to consider what the consequences would be to the relationship if you gut instinct is correct.

There are 2 of you in the relationship and so you alone cannot decide whether you will stay. The affair may be an “exit” affair, one where the partner wants to end the relationship but chooses not to be straightforward. In this situation you must let them go and get on with your own life.

If your partner has been having an affair but wants to reconcile with you and heal from the damage they have caused, you have some thinking to do. This isn’t an easy decision and you may go back and forth. Remember, you don’t need to decide yet – but here are 4 good reasons to avoid a snap decision that you may regret:

  • You want to give them the opportunity to change and work on the relationship.

  • You have invested a lot in the relationship.

  • Your partner's behaviour is not worth sacrificing the entire relationship,

  • Leaving might place you in a precarious situation legally, financially, parentally, socially, etc., and so you want time to prepare in a responsible way.

With clear boundaries in place as well as couples counselling, you may be able to make a decision to stay or leave the relationship.

But staying for the following reasons would inevitably have a negative impact on your life and relationship, avoid falling into these traps:

  • Holding on until 'someone better' comes along

  • Being afraid to face life 'alone'

  • Feeling embarrassment at the thought of telling others

  • Hoping that things will resolve on their own

In the meantime, it’s good to express your emotions. If you don’t have a close friend or family member you can trust, write down how you’re feeling in a private journal – every day. There are some good places on the internet to help you process difficult emotions relating to infidelity, an infidelity forum is a good option to use as a place where you can remain anonymous and feel supported.

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